Travelling

I'm in LA, trying to tell myself I'm not too bored. The truth is, I kind of like being in this ambiguous in between space that travelling gives you. I need the time to disconnect myself from home, to prepare myself for whatever I am going to. Leaving home is always hard. But, this time it was especially difficult. In a way the searing pain of saying goodbyes makes me proud of myself. Let me explain - I didn't know I would be home for so long, and I was only home for the time I was because my departure date kept getting pushed back. In this time I was really tempted to keep a part of myself from actually BEING at home. If I wasn't fully there,then there would be a part of me that would be ready to leave, and not feel so sad. Instead of following this protective instinct, I relaxed into being at home. I put down roots. I found a really solid church home and actually stayed for the coffee hour part of worship, I made friends who I will actually miss, and I fell back into being with my sisters all the time, loving every minute of it. I knew in the back of my mind that being at home wouldn't last forever, that it couldn't. I am an adult, and although I love my sisters and my mom and dad more than anything, I need to spread my wings and not be reliant on myself. So, now I am in an airport, in the most solidly embodied place of ambiguity and liminality, trying to transition myself from home to somewhere that I need to make my home. Trying not to think too much about how Leilani, or Grace, or Bluebell won't be in my bed tonight, or about how I will have to figure out my own dinner because my mom won't have something delicious already simmering on the stove, or about how all of my things will be in suitcases, not set out around me. All of these are luxuries I am used to, but things I can live without. So, I am setting off on a new adventure, beginning again to put down roots and to make friends and to create home. I am as ready as I can be - packed, ready with a guidebook, and with all the love I have absorbed from my friends and family stored safely in me and my luggage - in picture frames and things to keep with me - but most of all in my heart. I have soaked up every hug and kiss and loving word, storing them in my muscle memory for when I am lonely. And I know I am being sent on the wings of blessings and prayers of those I love and trust. And that gives me faith.